I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
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Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team