I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
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Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Oh my God.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes