sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
You Might Also Like
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
A wise man once said nothing.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
This January has 47 Mondays
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I hope this email punches you square in the face
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Denise please return my vape pen
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?