Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
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Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.