Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
You Might Also Like
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Mummies are just super modest zombies
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂