At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
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If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default