Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I’m calling the cops.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different