[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
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I鈥檓 sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 馃槑
[before nap]
I鈥檒l be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it鈥檚 way too late to do anything
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Have kids they said, they definitely won鈥檛 lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
“OMGJK” -atheists
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I am a fool everyday I don鈥檛 need a holiday for it
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I鈥檇 marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she鈥檚 a mess
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That鈥檒l do, brain. That鈥檒l do.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct