I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
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No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
LMAO
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?