{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
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Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
At least my masseuse has my back.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*