I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
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how to have fun when you’re poor
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.