*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
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My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Did I do this right
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!