American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
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The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
the last thing a carrot sees
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE