Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
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CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Autocarrot sucks!
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Actually cracking up @ this
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
…u ok Nintendo?
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!