My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
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“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
😍😂🥰😂😍
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you