Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Trying
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”