My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
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I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Erm…
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that