Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
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rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
This classic never gets old . . .
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad