My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
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Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.