ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
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Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
and this one
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid