Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
You Might Also Like
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
guys i’ve cracked the code
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Oh deer
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense