If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
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<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?