I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
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If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.