If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
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I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.