10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
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[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.