BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
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Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU