[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep