“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
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Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
PARKOUR
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?