Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
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the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Breaking news:
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
My therapist after every session
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.