Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
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UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”