We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
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“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.