If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
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If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I have obtained a hat
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU