Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
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Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.