Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
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(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
tell em, edith-anne
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?