When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
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Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
emergency phone
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”