doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
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The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains