[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
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I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”