Essential oils? You mean WD40?
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[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
how it started vs how it ended
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.