It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
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You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.