internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
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tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Does your wife know you’re single?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Ferrari squats
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.