me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
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johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
absolute chaos
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”