I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
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I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶