“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
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Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again