how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
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Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun