she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
You Might Also Like
Autocorrect completely socks
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.