Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
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BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.