[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
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why isn’t thunder called soundning
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Breaking news:
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐