me when the borders lift
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“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
This made me chuckle cuz mood