I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
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gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
😂🤣😂🤣
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.