Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
✌🏽
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
So that’s what we looked like?
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.